People today like to blame social media for a lot, but as far as I’m concerned, Satan is going to find a way to make me doubt who I am and what choices I make whether or not any form of media is involved.
I got a handful of positive feedback on my mommy wars post, and before the negative feedback eats away at my soul I thought I would write this post.
I have been a mom for 3 years. There have been moms before me who have mothered longer and there will be moms after me who have mothered not quite so long.
What I had to realize is, we’re all *still* a mom and we’re all still looking for answers. It’s where we find them that matters.
There are three main avenues that insecurity finds me:
Now, let’s be clear. Judgement is defined as:
the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.
It’s not always negative! People can use positive judgement as often as they do negative. What I am dealing with today, however, is how to overcome insecurity from negative judgement.
I listed those three judgements in order of the ease I can overcome them. The first two can very easily be flipped for some.
Family judgement is easy for me to overcome because I have few people in my family who have been where I am. My mind logically takes their disagreement with a grain of salt. That being said, there are family members who have been where I am! When they disagree, at first, my reaction was pure, fiery anger and shutting people out.
Wrong, Candace. The bible does not tell you to get angry and shut out people who love you.
So, about the time my daughter arrived, my faith evolved. My husband was at sea for much of her first year of life and I had to figure out something different. So I found God.
When family disagreed with me and it upset me, I prayed. I found myself asking these questions:
Is their judgement biblically sound?
What I mean is, are they trying to correct me as a brother or sister in Christ? Did I make a decision that doesn’t reflect God?
Most often, the answer was no. Their judgement was a matter of preference.
Okay, next question:
Does their judgement resonate with an insecurity I have?
Most often the answer was yes. I’ll elaborate on how I work through this later.
Friends, I found, I could more easily discuss our differences. They took what I said with a grain of salt and vice versa.
On a rare occasion, a disagreement would ignite and explode. So, I asked those questions again.
The first is often no. Rarely have I had a friend utilize biblical judgement with me. However, my very best friend and accountability partner, she most certainly has her work cut out for her.
In the day to day of parenting choices though, the judgement isn’t biblical. Because, well, the Bible is truly clear on one area of parenting, and that’s to raise your child up in the way of the Lord.
That means love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Fruits of the spirit: Galatians 5: 22-23)
Not gossip. Not anger. Not fear. Not self-hate. The list goes on.
The rest comes down to preference and safety.
This next part was important for me.
Was my friend approaching me on a matter of preference? Or safety?
1/3 times I get safety. I had a biblical reaction once. I had a bad reaction once.
The first time a friend approached me on a matter of safety, at first I was annoyed and hurt. But after prayer and research, I found she was right. Her choice to address me was done in love for me and my child, and to get angry at her was absolutely bonkers. (See: the day a friend corrected me)
The second time, I blew up, blocked her, and kept it that way for months. Not my greatest moment, but I’m human and weve since made amends. This topic was a matter of safety to her, but I had done my research and found the line to be right down the middle. I had prayed over it, as had she, and we had come to difference of opinion. Can that happen? Absolutely. Something that is right for me doesn’t have to be right for her. And it’s not a biblical truth were arguing over, so we agreed to set it aside and continue on our walk with Christ.
What I really want to get at, though, is our hearts. My second question was:
Does their judgement resonate with an insecurity I have?
This part, this is where the work has to happen.
The answer here is almost always yes.
I’m not a good enough mom.
She cleans more.
Her food is always better.
She nurses longer.
Her age gaps are “normal”
She has time to shower and get dressed.
She spanks more.
She never spanks.
What do those say about me and what I think of myself?
Well, not good things.
Then, I sat down, discouraged (and at this time alone, as hubby was deployed) and I journaled. Why did God give me three children close together. Why can’t I nurse them longer, because I want to but pregnancy makes it impossible. Why can’t I find the energy to shower, let alone get dressed.
And then, there’s the quiet that comes after the tears and infuriated writing.
I had to ask myself: how does God see me?
I am renewed in Him.
2 Cor. 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
I am created in His image, clothed in righteousness and holiness.
Col. 3:10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
I am saved by grace alone.
Titus 3:5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,
I have a heavenly calling.
Hebrews 3:1 therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest.
I radiate God’s light and joy.
Psalm 19:8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
I am chosen by the Creator of the world.
John 15:16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit–fruit that will last–and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.
He knows my needs before I ask them.
Matthew 6:8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
He knew me before I was formed in the womb.
Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
He knows the number of hairs on my head.
Luke 12:7 indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows
He knows what I will do before I do it. That means he knows me better than I know me.
Psalm 139:4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD
Dealing with insecurities is the hardest thing I have to do daily.
It’s made easier when I remember the truths the Bible tells me about me.
When that judgement sits heavy on your heart, and you know it’s not a biblical judgement, you can discern pretty easily that it’s a heart problem.
You are loved even when you don’t love yourself, but you should love yourself because of all of those reasons up there.
Serve the Lord with all you have, love Him more than that. He’ll remind you why you’re here, but it gets much easier if you take the time to sit and listen.