Dealing with Insecurity as a Mom

People today like to blame social media for a lot, but as far as I’m concerned, Satan is going to find a way to make me doubt who I am and what choices I make whether or not any form of media is involved. 

I got a handful of positive feedback on my mommy wars post, and before the negative feedback eats away at my soul I thought I would write this post. 

I have been a mom for 3 years. There have been moms before me who have mothered longer and there will be moms after me who have mothered not quite so long. 

What I had to realize is, we’re all *still* a mom and we’re all still looking for answers. It’s where we find them that matters. 

There are three main avenues that insecurity finds me: 

Family judgement

Friend judgement 

Self judgment

Now, let’s be clear. Judgement is defined as:

the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions.

It’s not always negative! People can use positive judgement as often as they do negative. What I am dealing with today, however, is how to overcome insecurity from negative judgement. 

I listed those three judgements in order of the ease I can overcome them. The first two can very easily be flipped for some. 

Family judgement is easy for me to overcome because I have few people in my family who have been where I am. My mind logically takes their disagreement with a grain of salt. That being said, there are family members who have been where I am! When they disagree, at first, my reaction was pure, fiery anger and shutting people out.

Wrong, Candace. The bible does not tell you to get angry and shut out people who love you. 

So, about the time my daughter arrived, my faith evolved. My husband was at sea for much of her first year of life and I had to figure out something different. So I found God. 

When family disagreed with me and it upset me, I prayed. I found myself asking these questions:

Is their judgement biblically sound? 

What I mean is, are they trying to correct me as a brother or sister in Christ? Did I make a decision that doesn’t reflect God? 

Most often, the answer was no. Their judgement was a matter of preference. 

Okay, next question:

Does their judgement resonate with an insecurity I have? 

Most often the answer was yes. I’ll elaborate on how I work through this later.

Friends, I found,  I could more easily discuss our differences. They took what I said with a grain of salt and vice versa.

On a rare occasion, a disagreement would ignite and explode. So, I asked those questions again.

The first is often no. Rarely have I had a friend utilize biblical judgement with me. However, my very best friend and accountability partner, she most certainly has her work cut out for her. 

In the day to day of parenting choices though, the judgement isn’t biblical. Because, well, the Bible is truly clear on one area of parenting, and that’s to raise your child up in the way of the Lord. 

That means love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Fruits of the spirit: Galatians 5: 22-23)

Not gossip. Not anger. Not fear. Not self-hate. The list goes on.

The rest comes down to preference and safety. 

This next part was important for me. 

Was my friend approaching me on a matter of preference? Or safety?

1/3 times I get safety. I had a biblical reaction once. I had a bad reaction once. 

The first time a friend approached me on a matter of safety, at first I was annoyed and hurt. But after prayer and research, I found she was right. Her choice to address me was done in love for me and my child, and to get angry at her was absolutely bonkers. (See: the day a friend corrected me)

The second time, I blew up, blocked her, and kept it that way for months. Not my greatest moment, but I’m human and weve since made amends. This topic was a matter of safety to her, but I had done my research and found the line to be right down the middle. I had prayed over it, as had she, and we had come to difference of opinion. Can that happen? Absolutely. Something that is right for me doesn’t have to be right for her. And it’s not a biblical truth were arguing over, so we agreed to set it aside and continue on our walk with Christ. 

What I really want to get at, though, is our hearts. My second question was: 

Does their judgement resonate with an insecurity I have? 

This part, this is where the work has to happen. 

The answer here is almost always yes. 

I’m not a good enough mom.

She cleans more.

Her food is always better.

She nurses longer.

Her age gaps are “normal”

She has time to shower and get dressed. 

She spanks more.

She never spanks.

What do those say about me and what I think of myself? 

Well, not good things. 

Then, I sat down, discouraged (and at this time alone, as hubby was deployed) and I journaled. Why did God give me three children close together. Why can’t I nurse them longer, because I want to but pregnancy makes it impossible. Why can’t I find the energy to shower, let alone get dressed. 

And then, there’s the quiet that comes after the tears and infuriated writing. 

I had to ask myself: how does God see me?

I am renewed in Him. 

2 Cor. 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

I am created in His image, clothed in righteousness and holiness.

Col. 3:10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

I am saved by grace alone.

Titus 3:5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,

I have a heavenly calling.

Hebrews 3:1 therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest.

I radiate God’s light and joy.

Psalm 19:8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

I am chosen by the Creator of the world.

John 15:16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit–fruit that will last–and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.

He knows my needs before I ask them.

Matthew 6:8  Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

He knew me before I was formed in the womb.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

He knows the number of hairs on my head.

Luke 12:7 indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows

He knows what I will do before I do it. That means he knows me better than I know me.

Psalm 139:4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD

Dealing with insecurities is the hardest thing I have to do daily.

It’s made easier when I remember the truths the Bible tells me about me. 

When that judgement sits heavy on your heart, and you know it’s not a biblical judgement, you can discern pretty easily that it’s a heart problem.

You are loved even when you don’t love yourself, but you should love yourself because of all of those reasons up there. 

Serve the Lord with all you have, love Him more than that. He’ll remind you why you’re here, but it gets much easier if you take the time to sit and listen. 


Why I Don’t Believe in Mommy Wars and Who I Believe in Instead

It’s a hot topic. Moms are feeling judged everywhere in every decision they make from food to diapers and everything in between. I’m sitting, quietly reading and observing. I get the hot bubble in my chest, the one I got before my car seat blog. I want to say something, but I can’t. People are going to be offended. I’m too afraid to lose friends. And then I heard the voice.
That’s not who you are. Since when are you afraid to share your feelings? 

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Mommy wars aren’t real. There. I said it. 
The roosevelts were on par with this topic. 

Theodore Roosevelt said, “comparison is the thief of joy”

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “no on can make you feel inferior without your consent.” 

People are going to have an opinion on your bottle choice, just like they have an opinion on your short choice. Sure, in the normal world, when we didn’t have kids, nobody shared their judgement. They kept it to themselves, annoyed by your short-shorts quietly until they could go find someone else to talk about it with. 

The trouble with “mommy wars” is that people share their opinions. However, when we sit around here telling them to keep their pro-breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering choices to themselves, we are doing something else. We are returning the “judgement and shame” and, chances are, we’re still going to travel on our merry way to our best friend’s house to talk about that mom and her alternative parenting. 

First, lets pin point a few topics that the Bible doesn’t share. It doesn’t tell us to find parents who are likeminded. It doesn’t tell us we need support from other parents. It doesn’t tell us that there is a right way to feed, clothe, or travel with your child. 

It does tell you a few things that are right:

 Psalms 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 4:16 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

That tells me my job as a mother was given to me by God. That I should train my children in the ways of the Lord. That any advice on parenting I share should be done in love. All the other stuff doesn’t matter in the end, so long as they know Him. 

That being said, knowing who we are in the Lord helps us make those daily decisions. If your confidence is lacking in a parenting decision, did you pray about it? Or did you lean on your own understanding? 

When I look at choices I face in caring for my children, I kneel first at the feet of the Lord. Then, I stand confidently in my decision, which is rooted in Him. 

2 Corinthians 10:12 Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect

Knowing who I am in Christ is the only way for me to parent. Without Him, I’m lost, insecure, confused, and judgemental. 

And with that peace that passes understanding, I humbly request advice daily. I am not above asking for help. From my mother, from another mom at church, from a mom who has a child the same age at the playground. If we remove the right for other parents of all ages to share their understanding of parenthood, we lose a valuable asset. God uses anyone and everyone for His will, and if I shut out people, I could be shutting out Him. 

The power of prayer is a beautiful thing. Let us lean on Him in parenthood, because without Him, we are nothing. 

It’s time we stopped recognizing mommy wars. It’s time we took control of our feelings, because they are the greatest liars. No one can make you feel anything, so own your insecurity and heartache, and bring it to God’s feet. God gave me my children just as He gave you yours. Your needs and their needs are different from ours, and only God truly knows them. 

Matthew 6:8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

I Folded My Kids’ Clothes Wrong

I grew up in a tidy home. My mom had 9 children, as I have mentioned before, and tidy was the only way to do it. She had a system with clothes that I had long since forgotten. See, I remember seasons coming and going, and my mom was able to swap out sizes and outfits easily. And I could never ever recreate the beauty that was the first cycle through the new clothes. 

High school came and went and I handled my own clothes. Then marriage, then babies. And now mom lives with me. One day, exasperated, I went to her. My husband just doesn’t know how to carefully and neatly look through a drawer and put together an outfit. If I ask him to dress the kids, I have committed to an hour of drawer reorganization later. His argument? “Dads have no business dressing their kids, especially their daughters. I have no clue what goes together. It all looks weird and pink.” 

Mom laughed and said, “fold the sets together, inside each other. Whatever doesn’t have a set, make one or donate it.”

She helped me sort all the kids clothes. Current and tubs I have stored by size for future numbers. And the result was extra space and beautiful, amazing results from my husband. Less fights is always a win in my book. 

Here’s a picture tutorial using PJ sets. 

This is a three piece set. I keep them together and decide based on the season (we live in Hawaii, so based on the nights temperature) whether or not we use shorts or pants.

   
Step 1: fold the shorts in half.

 

Step 2: fold in half again!
   
Step 3: Fold the pants in half.

 Step 4: Fold the pants up 1/3   
 

Step 5: Fold the pants down 1/3
   
Step 6: Stack the short/pant set.

 

Step 7: lay the shirt flat
   
Step 8: Fold 1/3 of the shirt in

 

Step 9: Fold the other side in 1/3.

   
Step 10: Set the short/pant stack in the center of the shirt

 

Step 11: Fold the shirt up 1/3
   
Step 12: Fold the shirt down 1/3.

  Line them up in a row with the style face up so dad can pick his favorites at a glance! This is my daughter’s clothing drawer. My son and daughter  share a dresser. The top drawer holds both children’s PJs, allowing for a one stop shop for bed time routine!  
The baby onesie is a little different! 

   
Step 1: Lay flat.

  

Step 2: fold bottom up

 
Step 3: fold bottom up again!

  
Final step: lay them in a row! 
There are obviously exceptional pieces of clothing! Comment any questions and I’ll show you how I have them folded!